I’ve developed a strange ailment over the past few days that I’ve dubbed NBS (Numb Bum Syndrome). Wikipedia could tell me nothing about the disease, so I must have invented it. Perhaps I should contact a medical journal about writing an article about this emerging condition.

The feeling could be compared to how your legs feel after being folded into the backseat of a hatchback for hours on end during a cross-country road trip without potty breaks. It’s likely that old women feel this all the time.

“Stir-crazy” also comes to mind–it’s this sensation of needing to move around, aching for a different position. My behind is going stir-crazy!

It could all be related to a rollerblading accident I had years ago when I fell on my tailbone and screwed it up somethin’ fierce. My sacrum has never been the same since, and apparently now it’s hired its own medical team to invent new ways to remind me that those borrowed rollercoasters-on-wheels had no brakes!

I kid you not: I am unable to comfortably rest on my haunches for any length of time, nor do I seem to find any satisfying positions. For the past few days especially, I’ve been increasingly uneasy as I try to sit at my desk to make cards, on my bed to read, in my armchair to read, on my stool to use my laptop.

If this continues, I’m going to have to adapt my desk from the regular chair-sitting-height it’s at to a sort of waist-high work station where I can choose to stand or sit on a high stool (which I’d also have to go out and spend money on). I’m currently alternating positions to write on my laptop, which is resting on a chair-high stool: abusing my back by bending over, and mistreating my knees by kneeling in front of it . This can’t healthily continue!

Should you be so fortunate as to see me frantically slapping my butt cheeks or jabbing my fist into my tailbone, simply know that you have observed a medical enigma as it happens. If you call yourself my friend, keeping a supply of ice packs on hand when I come visiting would be extremely considerate of you.

From Derriere Dynasty, I leave you,

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