14/11/07, 11:45 PM
u still chillaxin?
i thought you’d be asleep by now
are you back from work?
so, what do u do when you have a little bit of extra time?
how do u spend it?
no, i mean, when u have “you” time, what do u usually do?
yea, u r a reader
can’t live without books
i like ur blogs
i thought i’d have a great time at youth tonite
i got up early this morning
had a great meeting
had an inspired moment
wrote down what i thought would be a great message
was very excited about it
came together pretty good
wrote it all down
prayed about it
and by the end it felt like junk
it just didn’t feel right
it felt like it sucked
i hate that
i was very confident all the way until i actually begin to deliver it
and because i thought it was very good
i tried to deliver it all
but as i was sharing it it didn’t make sense
i mean, crap!
shit!!!! u r funny
i love your “realness”
i love that i discovered the edginess of swearing at the right moments
u r funny
r u chatting with a thousand other people?
and looking into buying a book
and emailing the blog designer
u r a nerd!!!!!!!!
but this blog thing is important to me
and i want it to be a truth destination
yeah, i can see that
i admire it
which is a challenge for me ’cause it means i have to be really honest with myself
well, to be honest
u do inspire me
i am inspired to be honest with myself too
and working on being more honest with people
and to be honest, i am not doing the best lately
being in the US right now has taken the life out of me
i do not feel alive
like my regular self
i love God so much
but i feel like an alien here
i don’t know
life is just different
feeling lonely ’cause we need more of God?
i think so
being heaven bound
i mean, church, en si*, is good!!
it just always feels like you are the odd one around
but it’s very clear that it’s not anti-church or anything
that sounds like an interesting book to read
yeah, i know
that teaches people how to fail, pretty much
it’s so hard to look at church and see what is wrong with it without being negative
programs are emphasized, etc.
i have had a hard time trying to figure out what is worth saying and what is not at youth group
then a handful of 16-18 year-olds
some of whom grew up entrenched in the pentecostal church
but i personally don’t love it
i feel like a doctor in theology with them
because that’s their reality!
i struggle with the same things
like we do not think we are better
just more aware, maybe, of the futility of this life and are longing for that “more” in Jesus
that is where i am, at least
but u feel so odd because everyone else thinks u r a heretic, a crazy son of a gun
sorry – i’m passionate about this, as you can tell
well, i need to hear it and share it too
few new converts come in and few churches are being planted
i had heard that
most of the growth is people switching chrches
there is really no outreach mentality
it’s all programs
grrr it makes me just… i don’t know… it makes me feel gross!!!
and religious institutional shit
i am just laughing hard right now
it’s cool to have a friend like you
i am so glad we can talk about this
superficial “hey, how are you?!” ‘s when people don’t know ANYTHING about you besides who your mother is and where you work
what does that even mean?
i feel so bad because there are people in church who really need God
and yet, we are so burnt out doing the “other things”
that we do not have the energy to give any more because we are spent by everything else
i think this is the longest chat conversation i’ve ever had
i think for me the most riddling thing is why leadership is so concerned about image
and what things might look like
and the lack of communication and trust
and the lack of confidence and team work
right now at our church no one seems to be enjoying working together
brandon** left already
nancy**, (one of the staff members with the longest tenure) and one of the most faithful is thinking of leaving too
the new pastor is just basically calling the shots and not communicating real well with anyone
and anytime one of us shares an idea or even points out a few things about his ideas, he basically shuts them down
classic for practically sending people running from your church!
i see why you don’t work at your office!
like, my wife and i have gone a few times into his office to share with him how we feel and stuff, without complaining (or trying not to) and just wanting some communication or feedback, but none was given
i feel bad
cause i feel like i do not really like him
and i am praying that i learn to love him anyways
God is good
and he is really, really faithful
we are here, and we won’t give up until our work is finished
but man, it just seems to get harder every week
but, oh well
life wasn’t meant to be a joyride
specially in the ministry
we know that
even though at times is hard to see
from the things that bind many “christians”
yeah, like drinking a beer tonite
and hopefully others will be inspired
i’d be honored
hey girl, and friend, i gotta go
Edited for spelling, clarity, and anonymity.
* “en si” – in and of itself
** Not their real names